10 Amazingly Craptastic Video Game Movies
Video Game Movies
As the film Wreck It Ralph hits theaters November 2, talk is again circulating the interwebs about video games making the jump to film. Yay? With very, very few exceptions, movies based on video games just do not make money. Good grief! Did anybody see Doom? Ugh! The saving grace of Wreck It Ralph is that the film is based on an “80’s style” game. The artwork in the trailers almost looks like the Nintendo game cabinet for Donkey Kong and there are cameos from classic games mixed in with the made-up game universe of the film, but that is it. I am going to watch the movie strictly because Q-bert is in it, ’nuff said.
Based on pure genius, I have decided to put together 10 concept pieces for filmmakers looking to base their next blockbuster movie on a video game. Video Game Movies.
1. Pac Man: The Movie
It would be too easy to cast a Pac-Man movie with animated characters and all the fun CGI. There are already fanboys who have created Pac-Man movies. The REAL Pac Man movie is an all human cast.
A headliner comedian from the 80s has fallen on hard times. Gigs are few and far between. The only friends he has are the little, yellow muscle relaxers he takes every day. His addiction leads to a messy divorce, separating him from his wife and son. Alone and desperate, he becomes a street performer, using the money he earns to purchase more little, yellow pills, until the day he inadvertedly witnesses a drug deal turn into murder. As the only eyewitness, he is relentlessly pursued by the four murderers while struggling to survive, ending in an epic confrontation.
2.Shaq – Fu
Movies starring Shaquille O’Neal are like printing your own money, right?
Shaquille O’Neal reprises his video game role as the basketball star turned interdimensional kung fu hero. As in the video game, Shaq wanders into a kung fu dojo on his way to a charity basketball game. After chatting with a kung fu master he finds himself drawn into another dimension called Second World. He is tasked with rescuing a young boy from an evil kung fu mummy named Sett-Ra. Through many dangerous encounters, Shaq literally fights his way to an epic confrontation with Sett-Ra and finds he must battle the boy he was sent to save.
3. Bomberman: World on Fire
If you have not played any of the Bomberman series, you suck. Seriously. This is a fun game.
Bomberman is set in rural Colorado, where a semi-genius chemical engineer, Karl Standard, survives a lab disaster and has a religious conversion of sorts. The lab explosion, combined with his self-proclaimed epiphany, convince him that the only way to save the world is by bombing the crap out of it. His twisted logic leads him to a life of arson and destruction. Agressively hunted by the ATF and the US Military, Karl seeks to bring about his twisted fantasy of a burning utopia. Who will win in the end and how will anyone survive?
4. Revolution X (Music is the Weapon)
Rock gods, Aerosmith, find themselves in a world in which rockin’ out is outright illegal. Feeling it is their duty to open the minds of the masses, Aerosmith begins a revolution of ROCK! A super smart scientist guy turns their instruments into weapons that harness the pure, unadulterated power of rock-and-roll to blow minds and explode everything else. Wow! Music really IS the weapon. In a slight break from the horrible video game, the movie will feature battles against disco and adult contemporary music, with special cameos from R&B legends, because we all know that rockers and rappers are secretly best pals. We all saw the Run DMC and Aerosmith “Walk This Way” video. There is no fooling the American public.
5. Captain Novolin
Finally, a live action movie about combating childhood diabetes! Captain Novolin trains a group of children to join his quest to fight Diabetus (portrayed by Wilford Brimley), a corrupt Senator bent on ending juvenile diabetes research and a proponent of artificial sweeteners and the corn industry. This “maybe you feel good if you are into mildly informed political and public policy issues, but not really because this is a kids movie” film is filled with over the top kid battle staples such as nut shots, powder in the face, stained clothing and skin, nut shots, trip lines, and nut shots. The film will do absolutely nothing to promote healthy living and insulin maintenance but will have enough silliness and potty humor to lure kids to the box office.
Part 2 Video Game Movies
A docudrama surrounding the lives of four totally unrelated Facebookers from different cities in the US. Their one connection is Farmville. One is a banker in Cincinatti. Another is a stay-at-home dad in Minneapolis. The third is CEO of a Fortune 200 company in Orlando, while the fourth is a day laborer in Phoenix. Their daily lives varying from mundane labor to corporate elite, these players dedicate all of their free time to playing Farmville. What will happen to their jobs, their families, their crops? How will anybody stop playing long enough to watch the film? Oh yeah, mobile apps. No worries. Whew!
7. Daytona USA: Crash Support Unit
Anyone who watches NASCAR knows that most of the excitement occurs when racers “trade paint” and often end up in tremendous wrecks on the track. In the blink of an eye, paramedics and wreck crews spring into action to care for any injuries and to clear the track to prevent further incident. Exciting, right?
Completely unrelated to that, Daytona USA: Crash Support Unit follows the lives of 2 arcade techs at a Dave & Buster’s in Cleveland, Ohio. Their daily mission is to keep the world’s largest interconnected Daytona USA racing game (35 units) in operation. What will happen when a coin slot is jammed in the middle of a pending race? Who gets to take lunch during the ultimate rush time of 6-7pm? How will D&B operate when one of the techs calls in sick with the flu? DO. NOT. MISS. THIS. FILM!
8. Donkey Kong 3
Stanley is a greenhouse worker in LA. It is a quiet existence and he has no complaints, until a famous escaped ape (Donkey Kong) takes refuge in his greenhouse and uses his animal powers to coerce insects to do his bidding. The aggressive insects and their ape overlord take over the greenhouse distribution system and are on the verge of using it to deliver themselves to every city in the US. That is when Stanley, with only his rusted out bug spray can, decides to fight the ape and his minions to retake the greenhouse and save America. Will America be swarmed? Who did Donkey Kong choose as his shipper? How does a monkey talk to insects? Find out this summer!
9. World of Warcraft: Battle of Raylevonce
Maybe some fanboys are excited about the new expansion pack for WoW, but can we not all agree that it is a blatant rip off of Dreamworks’ Kung Fu Panda? Really!
World of Warcraft: Battle of Raylevonce is less about the video game and more about the legal battle of Blizzard Entertainment to fight the obvious copyright infringements over kung fu fighting panda bears and other talking animals. Needless to say, lawyer fights are always entertaining to watch. To increase the drama, Blizzard must also face the realization that free to play RPGs with in-game currency are becoming more and more prevelant, making World of Warcraft just one game in a never ending stream of new RPGs, each of which boast larger breasted women and fantasy beasts than the one before it. The movie also features special interviews with WoWers and an even more special “mind duel” between fans of WoW and Skyrim.
10.The Oregon Trail 3D
Now I ask you, who has not wanted to see a live action drama recounting the treacherous pioneer journey from Independence, Missouri to the Willamette Valley of Oregon. The movie will make the most of high resolution, three-dimensional filmmaking to bring the wilderness trail of the pioneer era to life. Moviegoers will feel as though they actually have dysentery, typhoid, and colera. They will be exhausted from hunting and crossing rivers along the way, even though they never leave their comfortable reclining theater seats.
Come on, people. Did you NOT play this game in school? Make sure to take enough supplies. Do not get bitten by snakes. Shoot stuff. Make sure you have a funeral for dead party members or lose morale. How can this NOT be made into a motion picture? Unlike Shaq Fu, an Oregon Trail movie is a goldmine waiting to be exploited.
Video Game Movies Final Thoughts
Hollywood (or Bollywood), you have my permission to make these films a reality. I also would not be opposed to being cast as a hero (or villan) in any of the films. All I ask is for a movie ticket, large popcorn, large soda, and a pack of Jordan almonds. I hope to hear from you soon you crazy video game movies makers.