Mario’s Secret Past, Nintendo Doesn’t Want You To Know
You don’t have to be a retro gamer to recognize the mug of that smiling Italian plumber. Mario has become the most recognizable name in video game history, selling his face on all sorts of video games (and board games – yes, there is an awful chess game as well) across varied game genres. You would be hard pressed to find any dirt on him, especially if you were born after the 1990s and the decline of the video arcade. If you were in the arcade with me in the 80s, you would have seen him in a different light – a much darker, more sinister light.
I had heard the rumors that Mario was originally an associate of the Yakuza, but I have never been able to unearth any evidence. Go figure. What I do know for certain, however, most people are either too young to have known or too brainwashed to remember Mario’s shady past. Don’t get mad at me for dredging up the past. This is a time for full disclosure.
Mario the Labor Union Strike Buster
You might have known that Mario got his start in the 1981 game, Donkey Kong. What you don’t know is that the world’s favorite plumber was actually a union-busting scab, working as an industrial carpenter. Who could blame him? He needed the money and the 80′s was all about getting cash fast. He did not earn high marks from the union, however, when he crossed the line to offer his hand as a carpenter. It did not help that he worked under the false name “Jumpman,” probably because he didn’t just walk across the picket line, he jumped over. Mario, as far as the workers union is concerned, you are lower than a filthy rat.
Mario the Animal Hater
Long before he was allowed to ride on Yoshi’s back and save a princess, Mario had a different pet, an ape named Donkey Kong. Oh, you didn’t know that? Yes, DK was property of Mario and was treated cruelly by his master. As retro game enthusiasts know, Donkey Kong escaped his captor and exacts revenge by kidnapping Mario’s girlfriend. Luckily for us, the ape is smart enough to keep taking her away from him at the end of every level until the game finally kills itself.
Mario the Philanderer
How many mistresses does Mario have? Honestly, there’s no telling. Everybody knows about Princess Peach but she is only Mario’s most recent fling. Princes Daisy was a squeeze for a while too (Super Mario Land for Gameboy), and became sloppy seconds for poor Luigi, who has to compete for her affection against Waluigi. Mario was romantically involved with Pauline in 1981. He affectionately called her “Lady”, commissioning the band, Styx, to write the song bearing her name. After Donkey Kong, Pauline was never really seen again. How could a love so right go so wrong? We know that he went on to hit on Princess Peach for years as his main squeeze, but Pauline showed up again in Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2, this time as Mario’s “VIP guest”. Sounds fishy to me. It is also rumored that Mario had a short-lived fling with Rosalina (Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2). Ladies, Mario is a no good “player”. You can do better than this guy.
Mario the Sadistic Madman
After the Donkey Kong saga ended with a kill screen, apparently, Mario was able to capture his former pet ape. Does he release him in to the wild because Mario realizes that jungle apes are not to be kept as pets? Nope. He puts him in a cage, forcing Donkey Kong’s infant son, Junior, to rescue him. Wait, it gets worse. Mario stands vigil over poor caged DK brandishing a WHIP. He sends what are basically bear traps with eyes to kill the child, along with attack birds and electrical current attacks. GOOD GRIEF, MARIO! ARE YOU FREAKIN INSANE? Dude, you beat the ape. He broke free and took your girl. You recaptured him and now are trying to lure his INFANT SON to his demise? I say he is a sadistic bastard.
Look, I could probably go on, but you should see the pattern. Mario may look all goofy and nice with his big nose and huge mustache, but beneath those overalls is a heart of PURE EVIL. Yes, people can change, but if the girl he is chasing is any indication, Mario has not changed at all. If I were Nintendo, I’d be checking in on Yoshi and see how he’s being treated. I’d also probe a bit deeper to find out why Luigi seems to be so timid, yet so attached to his shorter and fatter brother.